The Horror! The Horror!

Before Jude was born I was warned of the first poop. I had heard of its swamp thing like texture. So when that first poop diaper came my way in the hospital, I handled it like a champ. I had never changed a diaper before, but I had energy and excitement on my side and could handle anything. I had also heard that little boys have the ability to pee on you from a mile away. The accuracy in which my son could do it to me and ONLY me for the first two weeks was surprising, but maybe that meant he just liked me, right? The first time he got his Mom good kind of made me happy, I must admit.

Now what I wasn't prepared for at all was having a kid with reflux. That's right dad, the same thing that happens to you after that fourth slice of pizza at midnight happens to my little boy all day every day. Except your pizza doesn't come back up. Apparently breast milk is just the right weight and consistency to come flying up after any feeding.

My t-shirt collection has never been the same.

I am convinced that the number one way that dad's bond with their sons in those early months are lifting them high over their heads like Superman or carrying them around the house like a football, briefly doing the Heisman pose in front of the mirror before Mom makes us stop. Well, this is fine and dandy for children that don't have to take Zantac three times daily. The first time I got got good was doing the aforementioned Superman or as I call it "SuperJude" pose. Like a stealth fighter pilot, Jude hurled warm, curdled milk (To quote The Hangover) "In the face! In - the- Face!!!" He tried this one other time and I was shocked and a bit proud of my Matrix like ability to dodge the oncoming assault.

The bedsheets have never been the same.

The cream of the crop, literally, started off very sweet and well intentioned. I was just going to go in for a little kiss from my sweet boy and Sweet Lord. The timing was astounding. I hope that this is just a signal that my child with have an awesome sense of humor like his dad (hey he already laughs at his own farts) and not a signal that I am being punished by the God of Goo. I thank God everyday that I didn't have my mouth open. Just the shock and awe of receiving my first vomit kiss was enough though.

My psyche will never be the same.

So that is just a highlights reel of this remarkable season of goo. Other notable one would be the time he pooped on my leg. Which brings me to my tips for the day:

1. Diapers, like condoms always have a 1% chance for error.
2. Bob and Weave.
3. If you hear the word reflux come from your pediatrician's mouth, buy stock in burp clothes.

Until next time, stay dry dads.